King Amdusias

Nick Danger Feder, also known as The Conductor is the collector of musical talents and super powers that has brought the Badasstronauts together. He writes music, posts videos, keeps the blog going. Ya know...He's like a publicist! Or a producer!

Neptune

Neptune's in the band! He plays the trumpet! He's okay.

Steve, the Zombie

Steve is a zombie. We don’t know where he came from. He was found onboard The Dangerprize one day, watching Planet Terror in the Imax theater. He has no musical talent, but he records all of the band’s shows and carries stuff for them. He’s pretty much harmless. Pretty much. Not at all. Watch your ass!

Shaka Zulu

Shaka Zulu was the leader of the Zulu people. After seeing him on an episode of Deadliest Warrior, The Conductor knew he had to be in the band. He plays the drums, the jazz flute, leads chants and generally contributes to the band’s badassery. His bio can be found here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaka

The Badasstronaut

The Badasstronaut is the band's emotional manager. While Brock, the lion takes care of all the business aspects of the band's ventures, The Badasstronaut is more like the cool uncle who drives the band's tour bus. The tour bus happens to be a giant space ship, called The Dangerprize. It's got lazer cannons and a hot tub and an arcade and an iMax movie theater with epic surround sound and a whole bunch of other awesome crap in it. The chainsaw and the rocket launcher are actually equipment needed to change the landing gear, which he also does.

Hattori Minetoshi

Born in Koga in 1567, Hattori Munetoshi was one of the pioneers of musical assassination. His last mission was a failed attempt against the reigning shogun of the day. While escaping, Hattori had a run in with the shogun’s samurai, who cut off one of his hands. Bleeding and on the run, Hattori fled to the middle of a dark field, when an unidentified flying object descended from the sky. The craft opened, revealing a swirling morass of matter and antimatter. Hattori was pulled into the craft and spat back out into a world of chrome scenery and white walls, where fluorescent lights were the guiding beacon of hope. The people there replaced Hattori’s severed hand with one made of the latest technology. Eager to return to his own time, to continue his work, Hattori demanded that the new hand be encoded with the ways of the ninja, but the doctors operating on him informed him of their society’s ban on violence. In place of his old murderous ways, the doctors installed software that made his hand play wild licks on any guitar he picks up, whether bluesy acoustics or the screaming wails of metal. They then tried to send him back to his own time, but due to a glitch with his hand and the Bluetooth signal in the time machine, he was sent to the early fifties. Desperate for work, and overflowing with musical talent, Hattori began teaching guitar. Several of his students, including Leslie West, Jimi Hendrix, Jerry Garcia and Carlos Santana went on to play at Woodstock, while others became legendary rockers like Angus Young and Jimmy Page. Then, eager to start a band of his own, saddened by Hendrix’s death in 1970, Hattori began focusing on his own career. It wasn’t until 2010, that he was discovered by The Conductor while adventuring around New York City. The Conductor, thrilled by Hattori’s talent and ability to be completely invisible on stage instantly asked him to join the band. Hattori bowed and has been with the band ever since.

Captain Hugh Jackman

Captain Hugh Jackman should not be confused with the Hugh Jackman you’re used to. He exists in a parallel universe, where he is a pirate, captain of the ship Wolverine.

His life mirrors that of the Hugh Jackman you’re used to, only in place of an acting career he spent all that time becoming one of the fiercest pirates on the seas. In his spare time, he enjoys playing one of the fiercest guitars in the world!

Sir William Rockensteele

Born in England in the year 1174, Sir William Rockensteele was the son of a knight and a knight himself. At the age of seventeen, he was sent far away to the Holy Land to fight the “Saracens” as they were called. His adventures there were bloody and brutal and filled his mind to the brim with nightmarish visions which haunted him in his sleep. Upon his return to England, he threw down his sword and buried his armor, swearing a blood oath to never harm another person for the rest of his life.

He joined the joined the king’s court, serving as an advisor, but was quickly removed for defending the life of a local wizard. Banished from the kingdom, the old man took the fallen knight under his graces as thanks for saving his life. He taught him how to play bass, something the warrior had never even heard of. When his skills reached their zenith, Sir William asked Whirlin for a new challenge. Whirlin pondered the request for a year before he gave his answer. The response came in the form of his own bass, though Whirlin had modified it. The strings were two octaves higher and there were two additional high strings, making the instrument more versatile and difficult to play. For the next two years, Sir William practiced every day, for hours a day until Whirlin asked to jam with him. The duo played together for ten years, creating tasty morsels of funk rock, which shook the forests around them, causing the local wildlife to act strangely. Soon, people began to fear the forest, claiming it was haunted. After ten years of the two rocking out, their musical adventures were brought to an end. At the request of the people, the king assembled his bravest warriors and they surrounded Whirlin’s home. When Whirlin and William wequested a diplomatic solution, the king sent forth his emissary with a message.
“Oh Whirlin, wizard of funk, and William, knight of the realm, we beg you, please stop playing, for we are overwhelmed. The sounds you make don’t please our king. So please put down that wretched thing. His majesty offers you his royal cup.”
At this Whirlin replied “What is your request?”
“Shut the fuck up!”
Whirlin refused the king’s order and the knights were sent in to put down his symphonic jam session. Hoping to save him, Whirlin sent Sir William blasting into the future to face the warriors on his own.

Unable to bring his guitar with him, still clad in his armor and cape, which he used to wear when he was stoned, Sir William was blasted into the American south in the year 1936. There he encountered a young man named Robert Johnson, a harmonica player and struggling musician. Sir William introduced the young man to the guitar and together they changed the fate of music as it would have otherwise been. Two years later, after a tragic misunderstanding, which ultimately led to Robert’s death, Sir William gained the power to live eternally as long as he continued to play the guitar. This came easily to the knight and he played his way around the country for several years. During World War II, he moved back to England to defend his hometown. After the war, he moved to Liverpool, where he lived and played music. In the early sixties, he met up with a group of musicians, but when they invaded America, he met up with another band and helped them for a bit. Not long after, William moved back to New York and lived their through the seventies and the eighties, which were soon followed by the nineties and the turn of the century. After nearly a decade of hanging out and busking, getting a real job, even dating a little, Sir William was discovered rocking out in the subway. The Conductor, who was already an hour late for work, heard his awesome rock and was drawn to it like a moth to a candle, but instead of going up in flames, Nick was hypnotized and invited Sir William to join his band. Sir William was hesitant at first, but when he went to check out the studio, he heard something he hadn’t heard in almost a thousand years. Upon entering the studio, the awesome bass jams coming through the soundproof door sent him into a frenzy and he burst through the door, only to find his old friend Whirlin wailing away on his old bass. Sir William joined the band immediately.

Shinsesaizā, the Robotic Dubstep Samurai

Shinsesaizā is a robot from Japan. He was originally constructed as a mechanical replica of Miyamoto Musashi, but a deffective codec in his programming led him to make awesome beats and gave him the ability to perform superhumanly with a synthesizer. Countless attempts were made to correct the deficiency, but after countless unsuccessful trials, he was discarded and a new prototype went into production. Shinsesaizā was thrown out with the rest of the bottles and cans. On the way to the recycling plant, he leapt out of the truck and went into hiding.

For a while, he scraped out a living as a street performer, becoming the most successful living statue of all time, until it was discovered that he wasn’t living at all and he was driven out of Japan. Shinsesaizā found his way onto a ship heading to America and first set foot on red, white and blue soil in California. There, he continued his career as a living statue, making thousands of dollars. After a while, a nice old lady suggested that he come to her grandson’s bar mitzvah. Needless to say, he was a big hit. The children swooned over his lack of movement and squealed with excitement with every move he made. Then a fat kid, a giant, smelly, not-even-wearing-a-suit-to-his-friend’s-bar-mitzvah, called him out.
“Hey, statue!” he said, being a little douchebag. “I bet you’ll move for this!” He threw a piece of cake at the statue. Shinsesaizā began to panic. His eyes began to glow red and his mechanical body began to shake. Sparks flew from the circuits in his neck. The children ran, screaming, jumping behind tables for fear the robot might explode. It was silent. Nothing moved. The robot stood there, trembling, cake sliding down his cool metal frame. Then, as if sent down from the gods of electronic dance music, a sound pierced the silence that sent waves through the very earth. The beat was so epic that the building began to come down around him. First, the windows shattered, followed by the roof, which caved in, bringing down the walls and the partiers, the nice old lady and that fat little turd who thought he was funny. When the dust cleared, Shinsesaizā looked around him. Upon seeing the slain children – except the fat kid – his heart…or whatever robots have that function the same as a heart, was filled with the robot simulation equivalent of sadness. He began to cry. But, because he was a robot, his cries came out in the form of a series of beeps and whistles and synthesizers. His cries joined the beat and together he made a jam so awesome that it raised all the party guests from the dead. Except for the fat kid. But he went to the hospital and only had a broken wrist anyway. He was just faking being dead. Asshole! Shinsesaizā was unable to rebuild the synagogue, but the party goers were so moved by his outrageous musical stylings that they simply worked around it and danced until the old people started to pass out.

Shinsesaizā continued to play bar mitzvahs. He traveled the country doing dubstep remixes of traditional Jewish songs as well as a few other popular numbers. As his popularity grew among Jewish teens, he was called to Europe where he was hired to play at the bat mitzvah of a little girl named Lizanne, but due to inexplicable circumstances he never found the venue. Instead, he went out for the evening with a couple of graphic designers named Gaspard and Xavier and they hit every club in Paris. The next day, Shinsesaizā woke up in Cordoba, Spain. After some sweet sounding vomit, he went into hiding in La Mezquita, vowing to never drink or hang out with graphic artists again.

A few years later, in the spring of 2005, while visiting the city of Cordoba, on a tour of La Mezquita, the Conductor found himself separated from his group. After slipping through a door that said “DO NOT ENTER” in French, Nick tripped over Shinsesaizā’s solid, rusty frame. Scared, flustered and upset, the robot burst into tears. At first, Nick was taken aback. His ears weren’t ready for it and he covered them instinctively, but when he listened to the sounds coming from Shinsesaizā he was brought to his knees and begged the robot to join him.

Urard, The Giant Australian Leprechaun

An outcast among his people, Urard, the Giant Australian Leprechaun was taken from his family as a baby and shipped Down Under to save his parents a lot of embarrassment. Raised in Townsville, Queensland, Urard had a pretty typical childhood. He was taken in by Rick and Jenny Norrington, a young couple who owned a bar near the marina. With no knowledge of his powers, Rick and Jenny enrolled Urard in school, where he took a keen interest in gold, playing tricks on his classmates and teachers, and music. Urard played the violin in his school’s orchestra.

Later, in high school, Urard’s music career began to take a turn toward professionalism. He often played in his parents bar, rousing the locals with covers of bands like AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. Finally, he was signed with a record label out of Sydney. For three years he sold out performance halls around Australia, until his label dropped him in favor of a Swiss mariachi band. Urard spent the next six years inside a whiskey bottle. The Conductor found him outside an airport, playing a violin with one string, surrounded by a rainbow of empty bottles. After a wild cover of Jimi Hendrix’s Electric Ladyland album, Nick was sold. It took a great deal of convincing, but after a plate of waffle fries, a milkshake and a flight to Ireland, where his birth parents rejected him yet again, Urard joined the band.

Brunhilde, The Valkyrie

Formerly, a Valkyrie princess in Valhalla, Brunhilde found herself on Earth, when a young Summoner named Drosselmeyer called upon her for a school project. While on Earth she fought gallantly against the forces of Evil. When the danger had passed, she and Drosselmeyer started spending more time together. They slowly fell into a relationship and on one of their dates, they found themselves at the same karaoke bar as Nick and a few of his friends. Brunhilde did a pretty epic cover of Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl, but it wasn’t until she performed an acapella cover of Hans Zimmer’s The Battle from the Gladiator soundtrack, that Nick knew she had to join the band.

In addition to her voice, which was used to build the Hoover Dam, Brunhilde also contributes some sweet licks on the keyboard. She can play everything from the classical musings of Wagner and Bach to Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Joseph, The Aboriginal Drummer

While researching a way to make a didgeridoo in Garageband, Nick went to Australia, in hopes of discovering a way to get the aboriginal essence of the instrument to somehow soak into his laptop. His efforts were unsuccessful. Computers aren’t very absorbent, especially not with sound. One day, whilst moping in the middle of the desert, Nick, who had forgotten to be properly hydrated in the desert, passed out. When he woke up, he hadn’t moved at all. He looked around and discovered he was surrounded by buckets of water. He stood up, dusted himself off and started drinking some of the water. As he drank and continued looking around, his eyes fell upon Joseph, a lone wanderer, trekking through the Outback. Joseph sat cross-legged on a large drum. Nick took a step toward him, but he pushed himself off the back of the drum and began hammering away, shaking Uluru with his epic beats. At this, the Conductor was practically love struck. Three days later, when the water was gone, the beat stopped. The drummer turned around and looked deep into Nick’s eyes. Then, politely, quietly and barely audibly, the man spoke.
“I join your band?” he asked. And he was in!

Being a native Australian, Joseph is also fluent in the language that is playing the didgeridoo and often lends those talents to the band as well. He plays any and all kinds of drum and when not rocking out in his “beat laboratory” he enjoys going on Walkabout and riding kangaroos. And surfing. There isn’t much he doesn’t like. But he doesn’t like anything like he likes the drums.

Whirlin, The Funk Wizard and his Merry Band of Prison Guards

Originally from medieval England, Whirlin, the funk wizard was a lowly magician playing bass for an unappreciative crowd. His fellow Britons of the dark ages had no taste in music back then and could not bear to listen to the awesome funk that leapt from his strings. After a ten-year period of continuous experimentational jamming, Whirlin’s house was surrounded by 100 of the King’s finest knights and he was ordered to “Shut the fuck up!”

Imprisoned for decades, Whirlin watched kings and queens rise and fall, as England’s vast empire expanded and contracted. Kept in an invisible tower in the basement of the Tower of London, and robbed of his magical staff, Whirlin’s powers were unable to penetrate the ground above. He was literally kept in the dark, while the world above prepared for his power funk.

Then, in the spring of 2007, on a school trip to London, Nick Danger Feder strayed away from his tour group. With a stupid smile on his face, he slid through a door, which was very clearly labled “DO NOT ENTER.” While the putz was exploring the dark underground caverns that were once filled with people being tortured and stuff, the young conductor suddenly found everything looking very futuristic. Disco balls hung from the ceiling. Colored strobe lights and a sick beat drew him down the hall light a moth to a flashlight in the woods. His giant shadow flickered up onto the wall, at first matching his movements, but as he neared the door, it began to break free, until finally, when he was right up to the door, it had gone completely insane and was rocking it’s shadowy brains out. Suddenly, the door slid open, revealing the great wizard, Whirlin jamming on his bass, while a thousand skeletons wearing prison guard uniforms danced. Nick knew at this point that it was time to free the wizard and unleash his awesome funkness on the world above. After hearing Parliament’s We Want the Funk, he was sold. Whirlin’s only condition was the his merry band of prison guards be allowed to come too.

Welcome to the Tour

Nick Danger Feder and the Badasstronauts would like to welcome you personally to their fantastical, musical, ridiculous adventure. Their tour will start in New York, probably the best city ever and take them through space and time, to different dimensions, where they will be forced to use their quick wits, musical talents and in some cases magical powers to get themselves out of sticky situations. Stay tuned and keep your lighters handy. The Badasstronauts are about to take off!

Also, be sure to subscribe or whatever, so you can stay in touch with the band, get bios, etc.

Nick Danger Feder and the Badasstronauts

We are coming!